because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Gynecology Rules.


Being a female of the species is pretty hard going stuff.

The trials and tribulations are oft documented in friendly media magazines and newspapers. I've grown up with Girl Power, reading articles weighing up the pros and cons of first date sex, the arguments for and against career over motherhood, why skinny celebrities are the downfall of modern society juxtaposed with double page spreads on how to lose weight now, how to be happy, how to nab the perfect guy, why we don't need men, how to love ourselves, how to identify our flaws. The list goes on.

One can digest these issues over the morning coffee and croissant and forget about most of them just as we stumble not only through the front door but through life, too.

There is one issue though, that defies media coverage, and that is thus: what to do when one has got a sunburnt vagina.

On typing "I've burnt my vagina" into Google I realise there are a lot of people a lot worse off than I but still, that changes nothing. Nobody wants to be the girl with the burnt vagina. Nor does anybody want to be the person that types 'vagina' into their blogpost more than once. Oh dear.

It started out with good intentions. I'm a young, not altogether unfortunate looking, single lady. Until last week I was also a young, not altogether unfortunate looking, single girl with pubic hair that could be dreadlocked down to the knees and smoke it's own dooby whilst telling hoarse-voiced jokes about the time it fought in 'Nam.

So I decided, because these magazine articles tell me that I can take charge of my own body, that it is mine and I can do with it what I will, to get the whole lot taken off. Well that, and the fact that it is supposed to make you feel sexy as hell and I had a date I wanted to *ahem* be prepared for.

The experience was akin only to the time I got a coil fitted, which was like having a cocktail umbrella opened up in my hee-haaw. Ouch.

I should have known it would all get quite intense when she told me take off my knickers and didn't give me anything else to put on. By the time she asked me to lay face down and do a 'Swan Lake' I was so afraid of the wax on my nether regions I daren't do anything but agree and part ways.

I am now bald, not to mention relived that it is over. The feeling sexy thing? That just seems like a bonus now. I'm just glad I made it out of there alive. When somebody asks you to pull your clitoris in one direction and dangle your leg off a raised bed in other, you know it is a situation that will not end happily if one of you has muslin strips and rubber gloves on.

What I didn't fully appreciate, however, was that minus such a big part of myself was to be a concern after a session in a tancab. I'm not a tanorexic, don't get me wrong, but of late I have taken to eight minutes twice a week to get my skin used the sun it will be subjected to for nine hours a day, seven days a week come the summer and my stint working in Italy. Yes it is bad for you and and Daily Mail readers out there will be tutting and shaking their heads as I type but as with sex I practice safe tanning so lecture me not, says I. Thank you for your understanding.

Several hours after stripping off for a bit of vitamin D I realised I felt slightly... uncomfortable. Things were throbbing slightly. I felt warm. I couldn't sit down properly unless it was just so. And then it dawned on me.

I had burnt my vagina in the tancab.

For anyone whom did not get that the first time, I HAD BURNT MY VAGINA IN THE TANCAB. Holy jesus.

I had burnt THAT, and THERE.

The only advice I have been able to muster is that lime juice hurts. I do not know this from personal experience- I may have been stupid enough to burn my vagina but even I know that is a bad idea. Isn't it...?

I don't much fancy cucumber for relief, as the connotations of that go far beyond what I am prepared to do and I like to eat natural yoghurt, not bathe in it. I suspect this is something that I am going to have to just sit out. Pun intended.

Pardon me then whilst I go find a cold compress, and a place to bury my head for the rest of eternity. Burning my vagina. I may as well surrender to my stupidity now.

Oh wait- I think I already did that.
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