because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Monday, 15 February 2010

Mama follows me on Twitter, too!


Yes, I've been a very naughty blogger of late. I've been pretty naughty about a lot of things, truth be known, even in keeping in contact with mama.

I finally spoke to her today and the first words she said over the webcam were, AND WHO HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! which I think is her way of inferring that only a male of species would keep me away from her for so long. Like a girl can't just be busy. "I know there's a boy," she told me, "Look at the back of your head. You've got bedhead!" I told her I didn't know what she was talking about and that I couldn't talk long because I had a blog post to write about how much therapy I'm going to need because she once called Ricky Martin well fit and now she was telling to just be safe.


Two hours later I had a message on my Facebook wall. "I still want to know who the boy is," she said, and I deleted the post and sent her an email bollocking her for insinuating there was a boy for her to know about. Jesus, I thought, that's all I need: Nanna marrying me off to some non-existent Yank because she read it on sodding Facebook. I could just see it- the just called to say hi! messages that would suddenly appear on my phone from aunts and nannas and friends and neighbours. "What's new with you?" they'd say and on telling them that actually, nothing is new, I'd be be met with THAT clucking noise that means "I don't believe you! I read it on Facebook!" and then questions about how I plan to school my half-American future children Tiffany, Amber and Buck.

Mama should be stopped from using Facebook altogether. Before I left to come over here to the States, I taught her how to use the webcam to make video messages through Facebook. The first video she sent just had her smiling at the screen and laughing intermittently for three minutes, a bit like she was high from too much sugared custard powder in her bread and butter pudding.

"Oh, it says here that I can write a message to go with the video!" she giggled. "Oh, okay. Well, it has been snowing here so I'll type that," she said. I glanced at the message beneath the video screen. Hi Laura! It's been snowing! 


In another video, not seconds after she had said hello the telephone rang. "Oh! Sorry about this Laura," she says, "The phone is ringing. We can see who it is together!"

The next minute and a half is a video of mama on the phone to dad. "I'm just talking to Laura on the video camera! Oh. Right. Well that's a shame," she says, and then puts her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone to whisper to me, "It's dad. He's left his mobile at home," before returning to papa to say, "I know! I know! Yup. I know! Well do you think you could call me back?" she says, "Because of Laura?" She then mouths to me Sorry! Just one minute! before nodding a lot and saying into the telephone, "Yes. Could you get some butter. And potatoes. Well what do you want for tea? Okay. Did you ask him about that? No, that's fine. I spoke to him yesterday. Well it didn't seem to be a problem then at all. I know! No, Harry is fine... I sorted the rabbit out today too. Yeah. Yes! Okay then. I love you too. Yup. Byeeeeeeeee!"

She hangs up the telephone.

"I'm sorry darling," she tells me, "But I've got to go and get tea on. Hope this finds you well!" and then she looks at the screen blinking and smiling for a full minute like she is having a Victorian portrait done before saying, "Oh! I've not pressed send!" and then the video cuts out.

After I stopped laughing I watched the whole thing again. I can't for the life of me figure out how to YouTube it though. Damned Facebook.
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