because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Friday, 21 May 2010

It Happens Once A Year.

"Why aren't you guys READY yet?!" he yelled just before a night out. 

"Urm..." I said, looking to the computer screen. 

"Well..." said my partner-in-crime, looking to me. 

"Were you google-ing naked pictures of that guy from Prison Break again?" 

Caught red-handed.

"How's you gay friend?" Nanna asks me frequently. 

"They have names now you know," I reply. "You mean Calum?"

"That beautiful one that I met once."

I'd have placed him quicker if she'd of said, "That one you watch porn with".

Because that'd be Calum. Calum with only one 'L' thankyouverymuch.

(he's going to hate me for posting this picture. He says it makes him look like a retard)

Calum likes Kylie Minogue, cocktails with an unnatural blue hue, and looking at photographs of naked celebrities online. He'll tell you it was me who started it. To be honest, what with "Can't Get You Outta My Head" on repeat and glass number three of whatever multi-coloured shite he tends to serve as host down my neck I couldn't exactly swear in a court of law that it WASN'T me. Could my defence be that he is just a horribly bad influence on me?

I know Calum through university. On our first day there was a welcome meeting and as he entered the room I smiled at him. I was smiling at everybody. I might have been a bit nervous. Because he was a bit nervous too, he came down and sat next to me. "Well you just seemed friendly!" he told me afterwards. "I couldn't tell by looking at you how much of a bitch you really are!" He's always been so lovely to me. Within three days were sprinkling such horrifically naughty words in our conversations that you'd think we had known each other forever. Those gays don't half say 'cock' a lot.

Calum blogs. He calls it The Fabulous Life of Cal and refuses to use his capital lock key when typing 'I' and it drives me potty. When he refers to 'Grandma'? Yeah. That's me. Like here. And that's me he is yapping about here. It's because I'm a whopping four years older than him. Not long after we met I tried to encourage him to enter a poetry competition I'd seen advertised on campus. I showed the leaflet to him. "I've read your stuff! You should do this!" I implored. "I can't," he told me. "Can't? Don't be ridiculous! Achieving is a state of mind!" Calum looked at me. "No. Laura. Really." he said. "It's over-19's only. I'm not old enough."

Well he'd be more than old enough now. It's my-gay-friend-Calum-with-only-one-L's birthday today.

Happy Birthday my beautiful little love monkey. 

And p.s. that photo really does make you look like a retard. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

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