because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

An Open Letter to Kate Middleton.

Dear Kate,

Congratulations on your recent engagement! How exciting for you that after nearly a decade of waiting you can finally slip William’s ring on your finger. (OH! WHAT YOU DO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IS YOUR BUSINESS!)

No, I’m being unfair, aren’t I? I think it is admirable that both you and William took your time to get engaged. As he rightfully pointed out it isn’t a race. A young couple who seriously consider the vows of marriage to be until death do us part is a prime example to set our generation where ‘I do’ often comes with an invisible parenthesise afterward that means (for now).

(Because let's be honest, a lifetime of monogamy is a tough one. I struggle to be monogamous even for the afternoon and I KNOW girlfriend can relate to THAT. Word.)

And much has been made of how your wedding will be a modern one. I salute you in dragging the royals into the 21st century- you won't be only the only commoner at that wedding! How very NOW.

(You’ll get double points if you could get Elizabeth into something other than a block-coloured three piece suit for the occasion, too.)

The thing is, there is something very much missing from this modern monarchy’s wedding: a 21st century bride.

My peeve boils down to this, Kate. Whatcha been doing all this time?

Because as far as I can tell, whilst William has been flying helicopters and saving lives and being all Hugh-Grant-meets-Action-Man you’ve been shopping and socialising and getting intensive conditioning treatments. The only career goal you seem to have had is to become Mrs Wales (which although admirable, is somewhat 1947).

Prince Harry spent 77 days on the front line of the Afghan war. Princess Beatrice played as a sales clerk at Selfridges. Tom Parker Bowles has put British food on the map. You’ve had a couple of months as a part time ACCESSORIES BUYER at high street shop and then called it quits whilst you sat tight and waited to get MARRIED.


One word, Kate: perspective.

Girls of our generation want fire. We want fights and struggles and personality and grit. We want you to stand on your soap box and tell us what to care about. We'll listen, because you have thighs that don't meet at the top. Be the face of British fashion, tell us which charities you'd auction your court shoes off for, give us an insight into being a royal and tell us how you're going to earn the keep of those 24-hour security guards you've had for the past six years.

Right now you don't really say much. Or do much. You're being incredibly dull. And we don’t want Vanilla. We want Chelsy Davy.

Aren’t you bored? There are only so many times a girl can surf the Issa website. And staying at your country cottage to cook for your man is just fine until he seeks out somebody younger with a total disregard for the Aga but who can down a pint in one and will straddle him in public. I’m just saying, love- aren’t you putting all your Royal eggs on one notoriously unfaithful basket?

If you don’t step up and show the Great British Public who you are and what you’re capable of, you’ll go down as just another gal who married money and became a baby-making machine, and then when your husband leaves you in ten years time you won’t remember who you are because you never took the time to learn. And we won’t have a clue either.

That's not very modern at all, is it Your Royal Highness?

Regards, and see you on April 29th!

Laura Jane Williams 

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