because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Friday, 2 March 2012


So right now Mum and Dad are obsessed with a slot on the breakfast show of BBC Radio 2 called Thought of the Day because this week it features my brother's new boss, and basically means that by association, Mum and Dad are famous too.

'He's ever so insightful, you know,' Mama tells me over Skype EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dad told me, 'We thought of you yesterday, actually. He said that there are three types of people in the world: add-ers, multiply-ers, and subtract-ers.'
I nodded. 'Okay...'
'So you either add to a social situation if you are good one-on-one, multiply it if you make every one in the room feel good, or subtract if you are a miserable twat.'
Which is actually quite insightful and important to bear in mind, I agree.
'We think you are a multiplier.'
'I thought I was debilitating?'
'That too.'
'Shall I tell you my thought of the day?' I asked.
'Go on then.'
'Well... You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just get what you need.'

And then Dad was all, I TOLD YOU THAT ONE! And I was like, ERRRR. NO. CALUM AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT IT JUST LAST NIGHT. And then Dad said, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT I SAID? And I was like, CALM YOURSELF. MICK JAGGER SAID IT. Which, long story short, came from me listening to the Glee soundtrack in my office at work as I got frustrated with parent-teacher meeting timetables and school reports and holiday request forms and I took a minute to rest my head on the table to say to myself I JUST WANT TO WRITE BOOKS ABOUT MY MINGE, HOW DID I GET TO EVEN BE HERE? And then a cover of 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' came on and I listened to the lyrics and then cried a bit because FUCK, GLEE. You are totally on the money.

Also: first-world problems. I hate my six-hour-a-day job in Rome. Uh-huh.

Anyway, it all came together and I realised that even though with only 84 days left in this fucking city- and it isn't the city's fault it sucks, it's my fault, because I quite simply don't want to be here- the whole concept of I might not have WANTED this, but I NEEDED this, is absolutely right.

Sat with an advanced adult student this week, we were working on structures. And as we discussed why it is sometimes 'which' and not 'what', 'who' and not 'whom', and the differences between 'curb' as a verb and as a noun, I had to stop her and say: You know how some women read cook books and get excited? And some men watch sexy films and get excited? I get excited by sentence structure and language. This is like porn to me. And then my student laughed nervously and requested never to have me as her teacher again.

But it's totes true. I didn't ever actively WANT to become an English teacher but turns out I NEEDED to, to fuel my love of the English language. When do we use a verb followed by the infinitive? Why do we sometimes follow it with the gerund? WHAT THE FUCK IS A GERUND? Using the passive voice in the past continuous, manipulation of the auxiliary verb 'do', mixed conditional sentences and wait. What? FOUR variations on the future tense?

I did a writing degree and had no idea about any of this.

And so my new favourite hobby is making up new variations of grammar rules for myself. For fun. I have a friend who is bi-lingual and uses 'do' with -ing verbs, as in, 'Can we do Skyping?' or 'I did tea-drinking this morning,' and I don't think I would be able to analyse her language use without the skills this job has given me, and maybe normal people wouldn't even care but WOAH. I wank off over this kind of stuff.

In the same way, I think it is funny to say, 'take a coffee' because that it the literal translation from Italian, and 'make a shower', and I ADORE using random Italian words in normal sentences like, for example, saying, 'Stop being so stronz about it,' which makes no sense in any language because stronz is abbreviation of 'stronza' which means 'bitch' AND abbreviating it would be like somebody saying 'Tha' instead of 'thanks' or 'margha' instead of 'margherita' and if people did that for real, then I'd think they were stupid and dumb and not be their friend.

But when I do it, it's okay, because I've written an analysis on the Internet as to WHY so I win.

And basically, I think I have probably lost you now but hey! If you're still reading, then kudos to you- you are probably language geek enough for us to be buddies and so call me. Let's do hanging out and make some incorrect conjugations together.

We'll make tanto fun. For serious.  
Blogger Template Created by pipdig