because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Darby & Joan: March 2013


Darby & Joan are the quintessential middle-aged British couple, characterised by knitwear, hours of scrabble, and a penchant for staying in on Saturday nights. Darby and Joan are, in fact, @calummcswiggan and me. Read the Darby and Joan back catalogue here.
Dear Darby,

So, I was reading back through our emails yesterday, because after Beyonce is Sad our Facebook thread is my favourite thing on the Internet. Third is your blog, obvs, especially after I met a stranger at a dinner two weeks ago and he said ‘Eat Gay Love? I love that site!’ and I got to say that you’re my friend and it was like knowing somebody famous.

SOMEBODY FAMOUS WHO I’VE HEARD VOMIT AFTER TOO MANY WHITE WINE SPRITZERS.

Anyway, I’m obsessed with you, and I love looking through our messages to one another because, despite the fact that you are 1,476.6 miles away, or maybe because you’re 1,476.6 miles away, I like to know what you’re having for your tea and if you are keeping regular. Lucky for me you keep that green button on all day long so that we can successfully run real-time commentary on Harry Styles as if we’re lay on my living room floor together, counting out our pic n mix and listening to Kylie. 

From: Calum
To: Laura

2nd February

He said to me, “I love how you just talk to anyone and everyone- you just talk rubbish, but everyone instantly loves you.”

Isn’t that what I said to you once?


From: Calum
To: Laura

5th February

This new job is all the things. I mean- this office business is all new to me. Meetings and phone calls and all the emails in the world and middle aged men in suits coming to me for advice? Company Blackberries and laptops and a fry-up delivered to my desk? What is life? What is going on?


From: Calum
To: Laura

6th February

As the saying goes in Slupsk: “Sometimes you must drink milk right out of the goat, because it costs two rubles instead of three rubles.”


From: Calum
To: Laura

9th February

I’m now allergic to nuts. The Gibraltar hospital is like a five star hotel. Also, you had your purse stolen in Rome? Mama told me. Why do I not know what you had for breakfast?!

Well, actually I do. You had hand-squeezed orange juice because you put it on Twitter. But that’s beside the point.


From: Calum
To: Laura

9th February

You just found a used condom in a box of files? Of course you did. I once got lube on the toaster. It happens.


From: Calum
To: Laura

12th February

I was writing to say I don’t know every detail of your life and it makes me unhappy. Facebook says that we spoke yesterday. TOO LONG AGO.


From: Calum
To: Laura

12th February

How old are the kids you’re volunteering with? People I would date, or like kids kids?


From: Calum
To: Laura

13th February

I’m on the Pink News homepage.


From: Calum
To: Laura

14th February

My boss: Can you send a Valentine to Jeff Brazier please?

Me: YES.


From: Calum        
To: Laura

14th February

Emails from editor of Attitude magazine, and the leader of the equal marriage campaign. I’ve been called an inspiration and a cunt, a dozen people have messaged me, and I’ve been asked to help with lifting the blood ban in Australia by an Aussie LGBT foundation.

That’s a lot to take in in 24 hours.


From: Calum
To: Laura

16th February

Have been asked to go on morning radio on Monday. Obviously.


From Calum
To: Laura

17th February

Skype tonight, yes. I did leaving Facebook on all day yesterday, but when you didn’t call I assumed you were just having sex or changing people’s lives.


From: Calum
To: Laura

18th February

The entire office have got up and run to the windows. Everyone is looking outside with both horror and fascination. Do you know why? Because it is raining. #lifeinspain


From: Calum
To: Laura

19th February

Gibraltar is now underwater. All the power is out, the king’s bastion is now a waterfall, the sewers have exploded into fountains. We can hear all the sirens from here, the border has come to a complete standstill. Everybody went home from work and nobody's going in tomorrow. IT'S JUST A BIT OF RAIN.


From: Calum
To: Laura

19th February

In other news, a monkey banged on the window today.


From: Calum
To: Laura

20th February

I’m hanging my head in shame. Attached is a video of me in an advert for a nationwide bingo chain.


From: Calum
To: Laura

21st February

Just so you know, I can teach you to open a bottle of wine with nothing more than a shoe. That is what gay best friends are for.


From: Calum
To: Laura

21st February

Will you send me poetry every day?


From: Calum
To: Laura

21st February

Even if I were addressing Uganda after just being crowded their king, I’d still open with HIYA!


From: Calum
To: Laura

21st February

“James Cordon gives me ladywood” SAID NOBODY EVER.


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

(Still eating cake.)


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

The Gibraltar government offers free gym membership and leisure facilities to tax payers, which is weird, but also quite good.

I think that, as a country, because it’s so small, they probably just keep all the tax money in a suitcase.


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

I bring a backpack to work everyday, and all it has in it is chocolate.


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

Why is there video footage and photos from the Pistorius trial? I thought photographers weren’t allowed in courtrooms?

I don’t know why I’m asking you and not Google. I just think you know everything.


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

Also, everyone seems kind of angry and convinced that he did it, yet I’m inclined to go the other way. I haven’t read anything that makes him seem guilty… Have you? Can you link me?

(Again, assuming you know everything.)


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

Easter weekend. Big Gay Weekend. I will book and confirm, if you’re still free?


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

I had an epiphany in my lunch break.


From: Calum
To: Laura

22nd February

Don’t tell strangers that your coat is your blow job coat. Or do. Why filter yourself now after 26 years?

MY FRIDAY NIGHT IS SPINNING AROUND IN MY OFFICE CHAIR.


From: Calum
To: Laura

23rd February

A task? Like telling you what to wear? I’m not even sure I want to know. I quite like the juxtaposition of it though- the opera and sexting. It’s poetic.


From: Calum
To: Laura

23rd February

Not that I don’t care, but I’m gonna curve ball the shit out of this conversation now.


From: Calum
To: Laura

25th February

I bought a Diet Coke to make me feel better. I haven’t drunk one in quite a while, and now I feel sick.


From: Calum
To: Laura

25th February

We have to buy tickets? You can’t just turn up and go lemme in now please Mr Bouncer here’s my ID and I am over the age of 18?

Is that to keep the riff raff out?

I like keeping the riff raff out.

Sometimes people think I *am* the riff raff.


From: Calum
To: Laura

25th February

If you ever call me ‘mate’ again I’ll cut off your fingers. That’s what I say to straight men when I’m uncomfortable.


From: Calum
To: Laura

25th February

I like it when you send me things. I’m going to send you more things. Do you like gay porn?


From: Calum
To: Laura

26th February

You’ve read three books already this week? Fuck me sideways with a broom and a swordfish.


From: Calum
To: Laura

29th February

I wish you wrote a blog everyday so I could always have something awesome to read on my lunch break.



Darby- you always give me something awesome to read on my lunch break.

I adore you for it.

Your Joan x


Want to say something about this post?
Twitter.
Email.




Share:
© superlatively rude | All rights reserved.