because none of us is fucking up like we think we are, is what i'm trying to say

Monday, 27 July 2015



An incomplete list of things that are mostly inconvenient but all true, apropos values, and how they change.

- I self-identify as a documentarian. A sort of variation on a memoirist. I want to write things down as a way of taking their picture and framing them. To capture something. But I'm not a "writer". I'm just a human.

- To that end, what I do decide to chronicle has an agenda, and that agenda is mine, and changes, and is dressed in the sure knowledge that every narrator is unreliable. The eye does not see, it transmits. And it transmits to an information processor, the complicatedly simple brain, that is ladened with feelings and past hurts and triumphs and feelings, and thus is a biased motherfucker.

- Living out loud isn’t a character defect...

- ...But the best plan is to just do good work and shut up. That says more than I can, anyway.

- I have a list of regrets that I try to shed a little more light on every goddamn day. A chronicle of shitty things I have done, and shitty things I have tolerated, and humiliations on both sides because of it. But you’d better believe those things have been my best teachers – or, at least, the most vociferous ones. I’m only an asshole if I don’t learn from them. 

- "A fight is going on inside me," said an old man to his son. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you." The son thought about it for a minute and then asked, "Which wolf will win?" The old man replied simply, "The one you feed." This fable is my true north.

- People are built three ways: as subtractors, adders, or multipliers. Subtractors are energy vampires, adders contribute to your energy, and multipliers make you see stars. A person’s categorisation is directly related to the amount of drama they bring to your life: if they add to it, they’re a subtractor; if they subtract from it they are a multiplier. Friendships are maths, and your tribe is a reflection of your vibe.

- Less is always more in word counts, and in accessorising.

- Beau Taplin said that the heart is a muscle and so should be exercised regularly. Show up. Practice loving. Practice some more. A few dents is the trade-off.

- Dining out is an art, and one worth committing to mastering. Learn how to dress for the occasion and charm the wait staff and the value of a Bombay Sapphire and tonic (with lemon AND lime, rimmed on the glass). Become fluent in three-hour conversations at the same table and Sancerre over Chablis, but don’t be a dick about either. Remember, if you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip.

- I hate being the boss, and I hate having a boss.

- There is more than one self. I am hard and soft, confident and unnerved, ready to go big and also ready to go home. No one thing is any more or less true than the other, and I can be all of them at once.

- Charisma is the ability to make both of you feel good.

- I think I’m scared, but my fear got me this far. That’s surely a bigger victory than feigning fearlessness. If I wasn’t afraid, it wasn’t a challenge… and it’s the challenges I rise to I’d like to be counted by when you read my eulogy.

- I have four core desired feelings: strong, sexy, committed and inspired. If what you’re offering doesn’t tick all of those boxes, it doesn’t feel good. If it doesn’t feel good I don’t wanna do it. Life should be lived in the joyous zone, else what’s the point?

- I can never go deep enough. I confront my fears. Go into it willingly. That’s juicy, to me – exploring aliveness for aliveness’ sake. I am a woman of extremes. I am designed to bring spirit into the tangible, experience into story. There is nothing I can do about that wiring, and nothing I’d want to.

- Life is a conversation. A dialogue. We have to sit down with her regularly and ask, “Hey – this working for you?” We have to seek out the pain and own it before the pain owns us. We have to look for the happy and show her who is in charge. We must be active in our peace.

- I secretly think my feelings are more valid than your feelings, but I’m working on it.

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